What is a Submissive?

This seems to be one of those things that doesn't have any one good answer. There are so many things that can define a submissive, so I'm going to see if I can narrow it down and make it a bit less confusing.

Generally speaking submissives are people who feel an inclination to surrender themselves to another either for a defined period of time or indefinitely depending on the circumstance and their relationship with that person. Anyone from any walk of life can be submissive or have submissive tendencies, and a submissive can be male or female.

From what I have seen, there are two types of submissives. The first is the bedroom sub, who generally only participates in scenes or submits in a sexual way either for a specified period of time or in the case of those in relationships they may be submissive in the bedroom at all times. The important thing about bedroom subs though is that they generally are not submissive at all outside of the bedroom. 

Then there are 24/7 subs who surrender themselves to a dominant in a real time relationship. These submissives may submit in various areas of their lives, which may or may not include the bedroom. Some may only be in relationships where their dominant is in charge of the finances and the clothing they wear, but they are free to do what they want in other areas of their life. Then there are some who might be in Total Power Exchange relationships where they have submitted to their dominant in every aspect of their lives (these submissives often identify as consensual slaves).

Being submissive to another either during a scene or in a relationship requires knowledge about the lifestyle, honesty and trust, and a great deal of patience. Submitting to someone is not something an experienced submissive will do lightly. It's a lot more complicated than finding a dominant and jumping right into things. An experienced submissive will take the time to get to know a dominant first and get to know him before submitting to him. 

Submissives should always understand what they are submitting to. If you are new to the lifestyle and identify as a submissive, it's in your best interest to learn as much as you can about the lifestyle before submitting to another... whether it's for a scene, or for an online or real life 24/7 relationship. The more you understand about the lifestyle, the better your chances of avoiding a potentially harmful situation.

Unfortunately there are a lot of misconceptions out there about what a submissive is and is not. This tends to lead to a lot of confusion and people do end up getting hurt both physically and emotionally. So let's dispel some of these myths:

Myth #1: Submissives are weak and/or weak willed.

This could not be further from the truth. In fact, many of the submissives I know are probably the most stubborn and strong-willed people I know (of course, I'm not referring to myself... not at all). It takes a strong person to be able to willingly submit to another. Submissives are required to let go of all inhibitions and face fears that many men and women will never do in their lifetimes. It's not an easy path in life and it's definitely not something a weak person would be able to do.

Myth #2: Submissives have low self-esteem.

While it's true that many submissives may start out this way, someone can not remain in a D/s relationship and not gain some sort of self-esteem and improved self image (unless they are in an abusive relationship in which case I wouldn't call it a D/s relationship). An experienced dominant will work with his submissive to help boost her self-esteem... yes... by getting her to let go of her inhibitions and face her fears.

Myth #3: Submissives are abused or are submissive because they have been abused.

A woman (or man) who is being abused may be submissive by nature, but not all submissives are abused. Many submissives may have even experienced some form of abuse at some point in their lives, but that is not what made them submissive. Submissiveness is a trait that people are born with and it's possible this trait may make them easy targets for abuse, but not every submissive has experienced abuse in his or her life.

Myth #4: Submissives are pushovers and doormats.

Some submissives may fall into the trap of being pushovers and/or doormats. Submissives by nature feel the impulse to give to others without expecting much in return. If the submissive is not aware of this trait, they may fall victim to those who will take advantage of their giving nature. Submissives who are aware of their nature and well informed about this lifestyle, though, know their limits... how much they can and are willing to give... and who they are able and willing to give to.

Myth #5: Submissives are forced into submission and are oppressed.

The cornerstone of any D/s relationship and any type of BDSM activity is consent. Anything that is done to a person without their consent is abuse. Therefore if a submissive is forced into submitting to someone, it is abuse and not D/s. In a healthy D/s relationship or BDSM play, the submissive has full knowledge of what they are submitting to and has consented to it. Also a dominant will never do anything to a submissive that would cause her harm. These types of relationships should be mutually beneficial and a good experienced dominant is generally more interested in helping the submissive to grow through her submission than he is in doing things only for himself. 

Myth #6: Submissives are not very intelligent people and are dependent on others to take care of them.

A lack of intelligence truly has nothing to do with being submissive. Some very successful business people are submissive and you would probably never know it by their demeanor in the workplace. Most submissives I know, while they depend on their dominants for many things, are very independent people and would survive quite well on their own.

Myth #7: Submissives are masochists.

Though there are some submissives who also happen to be masochists, believe it or not, not all submissives are masochists and not all masochists are submissive. Every submissive has different needs and desires.

Myth #8: Submissives will submit to any dominant.

There are submissives who are new to the lifestyle that are given the impression that they are expected to submit to everyone who claims to be a dominant, but this is not true. The only person a submissive should ever submit to is the person they choose to submit to because they have taken the time to get to know that person and built a relationship based on trust with that person. An experienced dominant will never expect a submissive he doesn't know to submit to him and will be wary of any submissive he doesn't know who freely offers herself to him without taking the time to get to know him first.