Accept that it’s over. Stop trying to talk yourself into thinking the person you knew once, or the relationship you had once, is coming back. It isn’t. It won’t. It can’t. (Stop saying “It might”. It can’t.)
Allow yourself to feel the pain. Don’t resist the pain because you think it is too horrible to feel. If you never let yourself feel it — really feel it — it will always loom in front of you, so you will never get “past” it. Scream. Cry. Rage. Feel it. Really feel it.
Look at the situation with clear eyes. If the other person was as wonderful as you have built them up to be in your head – you would not be in this situation. Especially if you were abandoned – either “physically” by their departure – or emotionally by them checking out of the relationship. Do you actually want someone in your life who treats you – or anyone else – this way? And if the other person has treated you — and your relationship — poorly, stop making excuses in your head for the other person’s actions. Learn to draw boundaries. Learn to love yourself enough to protect yourself from further (and future) poor treatment.
Do not idolize the other person or put them on a pedestal. Do not give them the power to “make your life right”. You do not need their validation or approval to be happy, healthy, and whole. If you THINK you do — if you are sitting there saying “Oh yes I do” — seek counseling, because you have issues that go much deeper than an ended relationship and you have serious work to do.
When you have energy, look for the gifts the relationship – and its ending – gave you. They are there. You won’t see them all right away. Sometimes you’ll get exhausted from looking for them. But they are there. Appreciate them as you are able. And allow yourself to rest, when you have to rest from trying to “be appreciative”.
Remember that until you love yourself unconditionally, you can’t experience healthy love with anyone else, because you will always be looking for the other person to fill the holes in your self esteem. Work on making yourself whole.
Remember that it is not “all about you”. Especially if you are trying to detach from situations involving extreme emotional manipulation or codependence (yours or theirs). The other person has issues that just aren’t about “you” at all. Stop thinking you have to “fix them”. Not your job. Fix yourself. Figure out what it is about you that attracted this kind of relationship dynamic that failed so miserably. You have an opportunity to break the cycle. Don’t blow it.
Do not drag it out because you are afraid to admit you bet on a losing horse. This is your ego telling you “I can’t believe I could be so wrong” and trying to justify all the time and energy you put into the relationship by refusing to accept its ending. Just accept it and admit it. You bet on a losing horse. It happens. (Unfortunately the more time you have invested in the relationship, the harder it becomes to do this. Do it anyway. Continuing to cling to a “wrong” does not ever, ever make it a “right”.)
Someone else deciding he/she doesn’t love you does not make you “unloveable”. They do not hold that power. Unless you decide to give it to them.
Take your power back. (Or claim it for the first time ever.)
Rinse. Repeat.
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