"Discreet" Relationships

“Discreet” Relationship with You: A Play in Five Acts

Act I

It will start off great. We will bond and have lots of fun, and I will remain emotionally unattached. (Because I am not programmed for “pair bonding” or monogamy or 24/7 relationships to begin with.)

You will think, “Great! Here is a woman who is not looking for exclusive, permanent commitment, and who actually doesn’t care that she isn’t my one-and-only.”

I will be thrilled that I have found a pleasing companion who isn’t up my ass 24/7 blabbering on about “plans for the future” or “where this is going” or “obligation and commitment” or invading my personal space without my invitation or expecting me to somehow make him “complete”. I have found someone who wants to do what I like to do best: Enjoy The Now.

Act II

You will become infatuated and fascinated because I am so unique and “different” from other women, and have all sorts of cool qualities that make up for what you perceive to be your wife’s deficiencies.

Then you will decide you are madly in love with me and tell me so. You’ll say you wish you would have met me first. I will think that is terribly lovely and sweet, and insist that you’ve temporarily lost your mind, and remind you that I am not programmed for monogamous “pair bonding”.

You will object and set about to proving how much you love me.

Eventually, I will quite possibly be overwhelmed by your heroic efforts to convince me you are worthy of my love, and decide that I love you too.

Now we have a problem… because you have worked your way in through my sentimental romantic side… And now I am just as emotionally attached as you (currently) are.

Act III

You will become tortured, tormented, and obsessed. You will start feeling guilty and torn in two directions. Convinced your life has come to an impasse, a turning point. “I can’t live without you” and “I can’t stand this being a secret, I want to scream it to the world” will become your daily mantra. You’ll start dreaming dreams and making plans that include me as a permanent part of your future. I will start thinking it would be really cool to have more of you in my life and not have to be “worked in” around your schedule with your wife.

I will ask you if you are sure.

You will insist you’ve never been more sure of anything in your life.

And now I am getting pissed, because our relationship now revolves around this manufactured uncertain preoccupation with the Future. It is no longer about the Now.

I hate that.

Act IV

Eventually, you won’t be able to stand it any longer, and you’ll do one of two things (or maybe both)

1) Overcome with guilt and angst, you will emotionally withdraw from me and live with unrequited love in tortured silence forever

or

2) Tell your wife you’re leaving her (or perhaps make a determined effort to convince her, me, and yourself that you are polyamorous)

She’ll cry and wail and sob, “How could you?”

I’ll get backburnered while the two of you conduct World Wars 3, 4, and 5 and go nuts with no information and a big hole in my life where you used to be.

Then I’ll wind up crying and wailing and sobbing, “How could you?” as well.

Act V

After days, weeks, or even months of fence-sitting (whilst I remain in emotional limbo wondering why the fuck you couldn’t keep your damn mouth shut and/or why you are incapable of making decisions and/or how I got sucked into another her-or-me cagefight I didn’t sign up for), your poor confused head will guilt trip you into “honoring your marital commitment”… and I will be left in the wreckage wondering WTF just happened again, and why girl tears only work if they happen to go along with a marriage certificate.

The Final Episode

Um… no thanks.

Leave your wife or don’t. (If you are really polyamorous, we are not even having the “discreet relationship” conversation. Nor are you required to make the “her-or-me” decision. She might make it for you and leave, but that is a different scenario.) Relationships — including marriages — end all the time. And your inability to make a decision (or your inability to stand up to your wife) absolutely will not become my problem.

I never longed to be “the woman he left his wife for”. Some women seem to think this is a great accomplishment, a victory, something to be proud of and feel “good” about. “He loved me so much he left her.” My reaction to that is… “Ick.” (And the only thing I can think of that I would like even less would be, to be the woman who was “left over” to have you after your wife threw you out. So if it’s gonna happen… take the initiative yourself.)

I won’t be your “secret somebody” (or your polyamorous experiment) while you get your unfortunately confused head on straight.

“But my life is complicated,” you protest.

No… it is not. Your situation is not unique, special, or complicated. I’ve seen your particular brand of “complicated” up close and personal too many times. (I have had some version of this story unfold four times.  And, I was even the confused person who couldn’t decide — on YOUR side of it — once.

No, what you actually are… is mostly likely just a confused person immobilized by fear. (I can say this because I HAVE BEEN THERE TOO. I am not casting any stones I don’t also bear the sting of myself.) The alternative of “greedy, heartless, sociopathic narcissist” is also a possibility.

I have located my backbone, and I now require that anyone I choose to share my life with can locate his, too. I will only share myself with people who believe — and are willing to LIVE by the belief — that truth, honesty, and integrity are superior to “convenience”, or trying to maintain two relationships that make three people miserable.

I’m not judging your choices. I just don’t wish to participate in these types of relationships any longer. There will be no “Episode 5″ that follows this storyline.

Hint: If you are even thinking about having secret affairs… maybe you SHOULD NOT BE MARRIED to the person you are currently married to. Ending a marriage is not a failure. Staying in a bad one is. You’re likely sitting there saying “It isn’t a bad marriage, there is just something missing.” Horseshit. If your marriage is “missing” things that require you to lie in order to pursue things that make you happy and fulfilled… it is a bad marriage.

Do y’all actually have a handbook for “How To Fuck Up Your Marriage and Your Affair At Once”?