A Beautiful Nightmare

I was sitting alone on a hard plastic chair in the hallway of a hospital.  The smell of the hospital hung heavy in the air, making me physically ill.  The sour odor permeated my pores and seeped into my brain, burned in my memory forever.

About twenty feet away my mother lay sick on a gurney, hidden behind a white pull curtain.  I could only stare at the feet of the doctors that stood around her bed.  I had no idea what was wrong or what they were doing.  I only knew that it was very serious by the flurry of activity behind the curtain.

I had never gotten along with my mother.  At this time of my life, I think I could say I hated her.  She was cold and uncaring, not to everybody, as she is a friendly, spirited woman, but just to me, her only daughter.  I never understood why.  I only knew that I was angry.  Very, very angry, and it was eating me up.  And here I was, the only one waiting in this cold hallway while she lay dying.  

A feeling of dread and fear washed over me.  Worse than the fear and dread was the guilt, a guilt that sat so heavy upon me I couldn’t breathe.  The shame was overwhelming.  I knew I couldn’t live with this if my mother died right then.  It would kill me.

I woke up from this very vivid dream knowing I was blessed to have experienced it.  I was given a glimpse of how I would feel if my mother were to die while I harbored so much anger and resentment.  There would be no resolution, no understanding, only lifelong guilt and shame.  

I decided right then I would let go.  I would no longer let these bad feelings define my relationship with my mom.  I chose instead to let go of the crippling animosity and approach our relationship from a different perspective entirely.  I would no longer look back, nor would I wish for what would never be.  Instead I asked myself what kind of daughter I wanted to be.  It wouldn’t matter anymore what I wanted her to do for me.  I would be a good daughter with no conditions and no expectations for anything in return.  I would simply do the right thing.  

I have lived that way since.  When my mother dies, I will be fine.  What a gift I have given to both of us.