The first time you experience his tendencies for domestic violence, he towers over you in your small kitchen with its gleaming appliances, shoves his finger in your face, and tells you in a low hiss that he'll beat you within an inch of your life if you're not more agreeable. What you disagree over is not important. You run away, wondering who in the hell this stranger is you're living with.
During the week you're gone from the house, he threatens you through friends with words that are increasingly violent. When you go to his family for help, they want to know what you've done to antagonize him. Domestic violence has never been a problem in our family, they say in indignation. He comes to your office with his hair in a wild disarray, eyes red, looking like he's slept in his clothes, and rifles through your purse and files while your boss and you watch terrified from behind the half-closed door of her office across the hallway. He takes your car keys from your desk drawer. Your boss gives you the telephone number of the Domestic Violence Hotline and encourages you to use it ASAP. A co-worker tells you about how her sister was nearly killed in a domestic violence incident with her former husband. Someone leaves a photocopied article about domestic violence on your office chair. Later, that man returns your keys through a sister, begging you to return home in the childishly-scrawled letter she hands you, telling you he doesn't know what came over him, and that he'll never do it again. He promises.
You are stupid. You are young. You are scared to death. You don't think all that much of yourself. You are alone. You are naïve. And you still love him. You don't know that you're looking at all of the classic symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. You have no idea that you are ripe for the picking for the domestic violence perpetrator, that low self-esteem and domestic violence go hand-in-hand. And that you're doomed to repeat this dance of domestic violence and abuse again and again. You choose the river on the bumper sticker you see on the back of an old blue Volvo on the plaza occasionally. The one that makes you smile uncomfortably for reasons you're not quite ready to fess up to. De-Nial.
You convince yourself that his threat to beat you within an inch of your life-actually like you've never been beaten before--isn't really domestic violence, because he hasn't actually hit you with his fist or anything. You don't have any bruises, his mother is quick to point out, along with other members of the family who sing like a gospel choir in the full throws of the Holy Spirit that their family has never had any incidents of domestic violence or abuse. It was a bad misunderstanding, they say. Although later you learn about their long, sad history of hidden domestic violence that your lover now seems hell-bent on perpetuating, even though it will tear you both apart. You tell yourself that he was being verbally abusive, which is not the same as domestic violence, and certainly not as serious or life threatening. That your new boyfriend's behavior was more within the realm of emotional abuse, not the physical true domestic violence. Not really.
You stay for 2 years.
In one of my college classes a teacher read to my class an article about domestic abuse. She tells of a young girl that was eventually killed by a jealous boyfriend. I sat in my chair hoping that no one could see the tears in my eyes or the bruises on my arms. Of course, the teacher told me that she read the article because she did in fact see my bruises & my pain. I immediately defended him, as most abused women do. He apologized, he bought me a gift. He won't do it again. He promised me! I believe we defend the abuser because we don't want others to think that we are idiots for tolerating the abuse. There is some truth to that. We don't want to be viewed as failures. But a lot of us don't have anyone to turn to. Many abusive men will force their girlfriends to shut out their family because in the abuser's twisted mind your family is trying to sabotage your relationship. They are not. Your family just loves you & pretty much know you are making a mistake.
It's amazing how domestic violence can escalate. How domestic violence and abuse can almost assume a life of its own and take over a household where one day you find yourself imprisoned and in chains. How someone you thought you knew and that you really did love with all of your soft, girlish heart can dole out the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse--all forms of domestic violence--until finally 2 years later you find yourself in the hospital with a head injury and contusions making you blink and seeing double, your head feeling like it's about to topple off of your neck and shoulders onto the gleaming floor below, wiping the snot from your nose while the ER doctor's telling you that he's just treated a woman whose boyfriend went after her with a blow torch. Another case of domestic violence, like yours, he's quick to tell you. And you can tell he feels real bad about it. He's shaking his head--he's not really all that much older than you are, which makes you feel like even more of a loser--and prints the words "domestic violence" at the bottom of your hospital record, which he signs.
I can't recall the first time he hit me. It was probably just a shove or a smack across my head. I do recall that it was almost immediately after I moved in with him. I remember a co worker standing up for me one day when he came into the salon I was working at to obtain the receipt for some clothes I had purchased without his permission. He was returning them. He was collecting unemployment at the time. When I got home that evening, I had not even walked completely through the door when I was knocked to the ground. He thought I was telling my co workers that he was abusing me. I tried to explain that it was the bruises. So he told me he was going to have to start hitting me on the back of my head so the bruises wouldn't show. He then began to check the mileage in my car to see if I had gone anywhere other than work.
The last month I was with him remains clear in my mind. I can't recall what the dispute was about on one particular evening. All I can remember is being punched in the face by a man that was almost 6' tall & weighed over 200 lbs. I fell into the bath tub & I all I could see was the blood all over me. I panicked & ran for the front door. He yanked me back in by my hair & proceeded to hit the back of my head. He did shout some verbal abuse my way but I was one of the women that was bothered more by the physical abuse. I had been called names all my life. I became immune to that. The next ting I felt was a dining room chair nailing me in the top of my skull. I felt the blood drip dowm the nape of my neck. The punch he delivered to my face had broken my nose. Once he saw my face, he stopped hitting me. If you have ever had your nose broken you know what happens. My eyes were so swollen that I couldn't see. He put me in the tub & tried to bathe me. He apologized the whole time but still placed the blame on me. I was also instructed on what I was to tell people. I fell off the bathroom sink trying to change the lightbulb. I didn't look in a mirror for 3 days. When I finally did, I looked like the Elephant Man. I never was able to get my nose fixed, which is why it is crooked to this day. But that was the day I started my plan to leave.
I don't think my father ever hit my mom. If he did, I never saw it. But my mother was pretty abusive toward me. Physically & verbally. She had a massive stroke when I was pretty young so she doesn't remember any of that. But I do. I in no way hate my mom for what she did but I do think it made me more tolerant of the abuse from him. And I shouldn't have been. The night before I was scheduled to leave him, I was informed that he had been cheating on me. Now, my father was coming to get me the next morning & get me the hell out. I am from Louisiana so my daddy was pretty upset when he found out his baby girl was being used as a punching bag. Well, I went to question my boyfriend about what I had been told. He denied it. But let me know that he had just read my journal & saw that I found one of my clients attractive. I was still a hairdresser at this time. The next thing I know his hands are around my throat & I believed he was trying to kill me. Luckily, he was taking his kids to the bowling alley & they interrupted. He made sure to take every phone & every set of keys with him when he left. I knew it was time for me to go. His children has witnessed their father literally drag me around by my hair. They didn't need to see the abuse any longer. So the next morning I left while he was at work.
Abusers will tell you that they have never hit a woman before you. They are lying. Even if you are the first, no woman deserves to be punched or shoved. I know most women say they would never stay in an abusive relationship. Trust me, I said it as well. I stayed almost 2 years. I think you become immune & you just get used to it. I never imagined I would be in an abusive relationship. But no one is immune to anything. After I left him, I had to get a restraining order becasue he was following me. He threw a beer bottle at me during a parade & he had his family so brainwashed that his brother blamed me for the incident because I should have stayed home. What?? My ex tried so hard to get me to come back but I never did. What was sad was one evening he was banging on my apartment door. The police wanted me to let him in & keep him in my apartment until they arrived. Are you kidding me? This man literally had used the infamous line from "Sleeping with the Enemy". You know the one. "I can't live without you & I won't let you live without me." The man actually said that to me. And I was supposed to let him in my home. Sure!
He was finally arrested for violating the restraining order. 9 times! I had to go to court obviously. I had several witnesses. However, I was chastised because I went into a bar I had NO clue he was in. I saw that he was there & I told the bartender I needed my drink to go. Yes, in Louisiana you can get alcohol to go! I left immediately. According to the judge, I should have left without my drink & that made my restraining order null & void. Are you kidding me? I finally said that it was going to take that man killing me for any action to be taken. There was a detective that took my case & actually did his job. My ex was arrested again & did some real time. The detective was Mark Krause. I thank that man every single day because I know I am alive due to his work.
I moved on & did start dating again. I recall one guy asking me if I was ever abused. I asked why he thought that. He told me that when he would go to scratch his I would hit the floor of the car. I didn't notice I did that. I probably still do. So before you judge a woman for staying with her abuser please think about it for a minute. I stayed much longer than I should have. We tend to still view them as the man we fell in love with & hope one day that man will return. They never do. Sometimes the women feel embarassed or have too much pride to admit that there is a problem. Other times, there are children involved or the abuser doesn't want her to work so she is completely dependent on him. It's not always that easy to leave. So ladies, don't give up your identity or your stuff! Have something for yourself at all times. Don't make your partner more important than you. They aren't. They probably won't take you for granted if they know you have a way out. I do know that I am a different person today. I have worked hard & what I have is mine. If a man ever puts his hands on me now, he better knock me the hell out & run! That's the only way he's making it out of the room.
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