The History of Grits

The History of Grits

Back in the 70s there was a Midwesterner working near Atlanta who was first introduced to Grits, and loved retelling the story of that first meeting. He said his first morning at the hotel coffee shop he ordered eggs over easy with ham, toast and coffee. The waitress brought him his eggs and ham as ordered but he had biscuits and some funny looking white stuff he had never seen. He liked the biscuits but the white stuff was bland and strange to his taste.

He ordered the same thing next day and said the biscuits were okay but asked the waitress to leave off the "white stuff." His order came as requested but again the "white stuff" came on his plate. After several days of this, he was adamant with the waitress, a 35- or 40-year old wiry white lady that he did not want that "white stuff."

When she brought his breakfast she roughly put the plate before him with the "white stuff" again along with his order and looked him straight in the eye and said, "This 'white stuff' is called Grits and you can either learn to eat them or get your Yankee rear end back where you came from!" She turned and walked away, and he said he ate them out of fear of what would happen if he didn't comply; and he ate grits happily ever after. That rough ol' cowboy from Nebraska learned to cook and eat Grits, and probably by the end of the week, was drinking beer at night with the waitress.

What Are Grits?

Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn.

The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and God would not punish His people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are Formed:

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina and Louisiana, and are watched over day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of this culinary atrocity are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits:

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies kept from the public due to its rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits:

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits

II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife

III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy

IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits

V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits

VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits

VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits

VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits

IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch

X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven